Friday, December 25, 2009
Post-Christmas thoughts
Well, Christmas is over, and for some reason I'm feelin pretty crappy. And I think I might have realized part of why I couldn't believe that Christmas was here already... I was wanting to have all my issues solved, and have my relationship with God fixed by Christmas. It's a major holiday in terms of Christianity, what with it remembering Christ's birth, so I unconsciously decided that I should have everything fixed by then. And every day i realize that this isn't something that I'm gonna fix within a couple weeks. This is gonna take a MUCH longer time than that. Months, years... I might struggle with this for the rest of my life for all I know. So now, all of a sudden, I've got this crappy feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I was attributing to random guilt over something I was considering doing (that wasn't bad anyway... I'll probably write about that later...) but now I think I've figured it out. Somewhere along the line I had that thought planted in my head - I need to get my life sorted by Christmas. And then I don't so now I've got this guilt and shame because I haven't. That, or I ate too much lunch or drank too much Coke. Ah well, merry Christmas!
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idk if it wil help u, but what i did is i just sat alone for a while and thought...
ReplyDeletei let the silence force thoughts into my head that i normally wouldnt want in there, but in the silence i sat there, and let those things i dreaded thinking run rampant inside my skull, then i thought about y i didnt want those thoughts, and just spent a while in self reflection, and i camte out of a weekend retreat knowing god better than i thok i have ever known him
i'm not garenteeing any kind of religious emlightenment, all i know is that it helped me get my religion back, perhaps it can strengthen urs
without hard times, we don't know or understand "easy" times.
ReplyDeleteanother factor is that you've been sheltered from the "dirty 'ol world" pretty much your entire life, and now see and understand how wretched the reality of life is, lol.... but it's just reality, and must be accepted, dealt with, and everything we think, say, and do is or is affected by a response to reality, in order to live the way we think we should (weather it be the "do the right thing and help people" mentality, or the "kiss the priest's feet and give the church money" mentality).... maybe not directly, but it can cause turbulence within one's sub-conscious when this begins to come forward out of the back of our heads....
and once again, what the situation (reality) prompts is the acceptance (you did obviously, as you typed about it), and dealing with.. weather it be by following a pre-written script drawn in blood-ink by now long decayed flesh, or by your own communication with God...
you can think long and hard and act with your mind (taking into account the concept of phenomenology), or you can feel through it and act with your heart (and "true faith")....
i hope i was able to inspire some new unexplored ideas that may allow you the answers and peace of mind you're seeking... :)