Post-screwup musings

The worst part of all this is that when I do, almost inevitably, screw up, I spend the next day or two focusing on my failure. I dwell on the "woe is me, I'm a worm" factor, instead of the "be at peace you are forgiven" factor. And usually, this leads to a deepening of the cycle. I choose to take door #3 and intentionally dull and suppress my conscience so that I can continue doing what feels good for the moment, which causes me to move away from God. I'm determined not to let that happen this time.

late-night realizations

Last night I figured out what my problem is - why I can't seem to shake this. I keep trying to do it all on my own. I'm not relying on God. And I realize it too, I just don't do anything. And I'll make excuses about having to get a good devotion or something like that, when all I have to do is read my Bible and pray... It seems like so daunting a task sometimes that I don't know where to start, but I need to anyway. So to quote Switchfoot, "the sickness is myself".

"Again 11-4-00

As I looked over the battlefield today I was reminded of what we were fighting for. I thought of all of my loved ones. When I started thinking about my daughter, I was overwhelmed. She can be so much like me... the way her heart breaks with every injustice. She prays like everything depends on God, but then lives like everything depends on her. [emphasis added]" (quote is from the liner notes of Flyleaf's latest album "Memento Mori")

That's me right there (well, excepting the fact that I'm male). I somewhere, subconsciously refuse to accept that I NEED to rely on God. And after a few days, I pay the price for it.

Reply to comments

Reading the comments on my post, I feel like I want to address a few things. First, my posts do not contain any "Oh woe is me! I'm a terrible person!"-type self-deprecation. The post most of that comes from is about the thoughts and feelings associated with what I'm dealing with. It's a logical thought, and it's a darned good spiritual attack. But see, I don't need to be legitimately saying that I feel like that. Sure, I messed up, and I'm as messed up as anybody else, but I'm made righteous by grace through faith in Christ. So those posts aren't so much how I legitimately feel, they're venting the stuff I'm dealing with. Second, I'd like to clarify my beliefs as far as heaven: being good does NOT get you into heaven. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." - Romans 3:23. We've all screwed up, which means that we're not perfect, and the only way that our actions could get us into heaven is if we were perfect, because God hate sin and is perfectly just, so if we sin, we'd get the just punishment for sin. "The wages of sin is death" - Romans 6:23a. And note, that's not just "oh we die". I mean, we do, but it's also eternal separation from God in Hell. So then, how do we get to heaven? "...But the gift of God is eternal life, through Christ Jesus, our Lord." - Romans 6:23b; "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life, no man comes to the Father but through me." - John 14:6 (Jesus speaking). It's acknowledging that we're screwed up and beyond hope, believing that Christ died for all of our sins (that means me, the recovering porn addict and hypocrite down to the worst serial killer) and so the punishment has already been given out. But because he rose from the dead, we can accept the gift that he offers us of righteousness - not based on what we deserve, but based on grace. That's how we get to heaven.

John-Mark

Today my pastor preached the last sermon in his series from Colossians, and he spent about 10 minutes at the end talking about the people that Paul names in his closing remarks, and one of them struck me. See, there's this guy by the name of John-Mark who accompanied Paul and Barnabus on their first missionary journey. But about halfway through, for reasons unknown, John-Mark deserts them. Then, Barnabus wants to take him along again on their second journey, and Paul flat-out says "No, we're not taking him with us." However, later on, (in Colossians) Paul mentions him as giving greetings and says to welcome him if he was to travel to Colossae. Then in II Timothy, Paul requests them to send Mark to him because he was "helpful to me in my ministry". The reason I recount this tale is that I feel alot like John-Mark. Regardless of what some of my friends would say, it's not being good that gets you into heaven, and despite the fact that they think I'm a "good person", I'm really not (more on this topic in a bit). And I spent a fair amount of my life ignoring God. Sure, I acted the part, but I "deserted". And now I'm coming back.